Boy chasing the Sun

I don’t want to be the girl who gets in the way, the girl who is along the way and not the end. I don’t care if he goes through girls left and right I just want to be the end result the one who he needs. The one he ends up with, because in the end she’s all that matters. A wife is a man’s future the one who is the goal and the one who he gives his life to. The girls before don’t matter really their just hot air, an experiment until they find “the one”. And it doesn’t matter if he picks me I don’t want to be picked, it’s not a game and if it is I forfeit and refuse to play. It’s not a temporary fix or a test run I want, I’ve had plenty of those. I just want someone who will watch the sunset of our earthly loves fade. You don’t have to watch the sun to see it set you can just watch the light fade around you. I want someone who can sit with me for the rest of my life content to watch the light fade and not someone who’s always chasing the sun afraid it will go out before he’s seen it up close. I don’t want a boy who’s fascinated with light, but a man who will just sit with me and wait for the Lord.

Not Really

I feel like I'm living in a moving car

With the windows rolled up

The days and times roll by

And I feel I'm not a part of it

No one else is in my car

I'm moving

Though I'm not driving

I want it to stop

I want to get out

Atleast roll the windows down

Stick my head out like a dog
I want a reality
That doesn't include my fiction
My made up scenarios
From behind plate glass
Everyone sees me
I see them
But I'm not with them
Not really

Parenting

Sometimes I worry about being a good parent. When I'm thinking of the "future" with my four to seven children I'm not sure that the four to seven are all smiling at me. Sure, there would be years when they might be happy and want me to be their mom. But it's those years I'm worried about. I can handle the bullshit teen years and the semi sarcastic middle school years (assuming I don't home school my kids) but the stuff in between when kids really need you to be an adult and really need to be kids. I'm scared about that. I'm afraid I won't know what to do. I know naturally, since I have never been a parent that of course until that day when I screaming and kicking and throwing curse words and punches and my adoring husband, I will never know really how much I don't know about being a parent. I'm scared not because I don't think I can do it. Every parent fakes their way through but I'm scared I won't be grown up enough, that I won't forsake my childhood ideals to let my kids grow up. I don't buy into the cute little ideals like "Gilmore Girls" where the parents grow up with the kids. I just don't think it works that way. If it were that simple they wouldn't have a show like "Teen Mom". Anyways, all I'm trying to say is said, I don't know if it makes sense but it's there. It's what I think.

Pearl Girl

Got nothing but time on our hands
Got nothing but, Got nothing but, time
Time, time, time, like a spell in his hand
The world keeps spinning, but we got nothin' but time
Time, time, time, to get in line
To make the shift, from turpentine
To kill, the spill, in our leaky minds
Cry, to see, the world, the girl before you
She's the pearl in your ear, the constant lull, and the cheer
She'll never let go, till you know, till you show
Cuz we've got nothing, nothing but time

Music

As it flows so light on my lips
Flowing to and fro
Gives me tunnel vision
Through melody and tone
Voices sing of pain I know
Joy too, there's always that
Its a mirror
A light into a world well known
When it brings me backwards or forwards
Through time and space it conquers with each sure beat

Seperate but equal lovers

Who do you think you are
Running head first into my life
not thinking of the consequences you will leave me with
the way you spent my time;down the drain;pointless
And yet the way I let you even more shocking and real
Tainted me with myself 
Who do I think I am
The girl who gets a say
The girl who knows her way
But really I'm not that head strong when the lights are gone
Snuffed like your love for me
By the casual way I said " I love you"
Not the same, not the same
Always the same stupid game replaying in my head
How could I do this
To you; myself
The way we live no longer real
A tired remnant of the past
Seeking to breath;instill in me, life again
but there is no hope now
Not for me or for you
Just an ocean and a sea of dreams seperate but equal
What does that mean for you and me

I think in bullet points

I think in bullet points
In semicolons and stanzas
There is not a rhyme to my reason
But a melody that flows like the sands of time
I think in emotion
All emotion all at once
Not really noticeable thought
to fit the circumstance
But a lonely haunted,
hollow feeling
Radiating straight through me
Not really distinguishable ends
But the means to get there
clear and simple
A thought sweeps through my head out of my hand and pen
Flowing flowing flowing
Going going going
Where I'm meant to go
Deep inside myself to find
The shallow emptiness that claims me
My pen can never move quick enough
The thoughts melt away
Leaving me with simple explainations
Leaving me with stanzas and bullet points

To keep my rampant mind