i sat and i watched from the line
from the finish line and i felt small
i sank down below, bellowing
floundering
i crunched up real tight
braided up inside of myself as i thought
and i thought
for once of what it would be like to lose you
ex nihilo
from nothing
i slipped and tears slipped as i wondered what i could become
endlessness from speeches of possibilities
not comforting but maddening
no. i could never do it
could never live in possibilities
but as i have such a love/hate-ship with the here and now
now you see how stuck i am
stuck wallowing
in fear
of here/of then/of now/of maybe/of stillness/of moving on/of dying,deadened things
of living in a world i can never know
because i am frightened; frigid winter shock to my bones
of immersing myself fully in any one state of being
its too dangerous
so i continue to sit and wait and waver petrified at the line
the cold nipping at my bones
and i grow older with no motion
